


Lovin You Want

by lover_of_blue_roses



Series: Maycury 2020 [2]
Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Maycury Week 2020 (Queen), Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Period-Typical Homophobia, Smile (Band) Era, Unrequited Love, mutual unrequited love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:40:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26243545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lover_of_blue_roses/pseuds/lover_of_blue_roses
Summary: Brian finally decides to take Freddie up on his offer for stage outfits. Only when he arrives Freddie is terribly upset. Brian does his best to comfort him, but Freddie doesn't know how the other man can help him find somebody to love.
Relationships: Brian May/Freddie Mercury, preslash - Relationship
Series: Maycury 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1904278
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12
Collections: Maycury_Week_2020





	Lovin You Want

Today was the day. Freddie has always been going on and on about Brian's stage outfits. They weren't good enough. In fact there was little Smile did that Freddie thought was good enough. There was always room for improvement, he'd argue. And for the most part Brian agreed with him. As good as it was to have loving and adoring fans, having critical feedback on how they could improve themselves was good too. The guitarist understood Tim's perspective that being sometimes so harshly ragged on about their sound right after a performance was not only annoying but more disheartening that helpful. Still at this point Freddie had grown on him, and he'd rather have the man's feedback than not.

That wasn't quite why Brian was here. He hadn't been bullied or nagged into coming, he genuinely trusted Freddie with this. Brian had no head when it came to fashion, little care for it, and little understanding of what might look appropriately dramatic. But he knew Freddie did, and very well.

Which was why he found himself headed to Kensington on a day he knew they'd be open. He was whistling as he thought of it. Freddie had been almost more like a groupie at first than anything else, becoming friends only with Roger whom he'd soon share a flat with. But somehow Freddie had also become his friend, he just had a very different relationship with the blond. Roger and Freddie were always laughing at something, the two of them lost in their own little world.

Freddie and Brian's relationship was... calmer. Freddie would let Brian talk on and on about whatever 'fascinating' thing he'd just learned about. And even though Freddie had no higher learning on the subject, and seemingly no interest in it, he was interested simply because Brian was interested. Brian tried to return the kindness but Freddie rarely spoke of things Brian found uninteresting because he mostly spoke of music. 

Brian remembered the last night they spent together, listening to that Hendrix record on his new stereo player. Freddie was so intrigued, and had so many ideas, they could have talked about it all night. Wherever Freddie was going to end up, be it finally in Smile or somewhere else, he'd be a talented and interesting writer, or was it producer? 

The only interest Freddie had that Brian didn't was fashion. And so today he was hoping for a crash course in it. He had no idea of things like, what colors went best with his complexion or cut for his body type. He was already imagining in his mind's eye how Freddie's face would light up in delight, that twinkle in his dark eyes and how large his smile could grow. Freddie would flit about him and probably have him try on half the stock. Freddie eyes on him, maybe his hands too, touching him, adjusting the fabric, examining the fit. 

Brian blushed as he tried not to think on that. He was just being silly, he didn't have a lot of experience with sex and when he went too long without it his mind would stray like this, dangerously. Even though it had been decriminalized over a year ago the stigma still existed, and not just with other people. Brian found his thoughts naturally shying away from it, pushing them out of sight and out of mind, as though through sheer force of will he could stop them from happening or coming back. 

Taking a bracing breath, he tried to focus only on the good. This was sure to be a good day, Freddie's joy was simply contagious, not to mention that Brian would also get fancy stage outfits. So finding their stall Brian had been ready to be teased and ribbed, but when he arrived the mood was dark and somber. Roger nowhere to be seen and Freddie- Brian doesn't think he's ever seen the man so unhappy, his joie de vivre absent. The contrast is made all the sharper by his normally spirited attitude. Even when he's angry, Freddie burns hot and sharp. 

Brian slowed, maybe he shouldn't have come here today, but it was too late Freddie had heard and was looking up at him. "Oh, oh, hi Brian," Freddie faked his cheer, plastering on a false smile. 

Brian really rather wished he didn't. He hurried to the stall, not wanting all in sundry to hear about this. "Are you alright? What's happened?" Brian spoke in a quiet voice as he crossed into the stall, sitting where Roger must normally sit. He was close enough to reach out and touch Freddie, he clearly telegraphed his movements so Freddie could stop him if he didn't want it but Freddie let the hand land on his shoulder sighing deeply.

"Me and Roger had a fight," Freddie confessed quietly. "Well," Freddie licked his lips, from this close Brian can smell his sharp perfume and see the dark shadow under his eyes from a poor night's sleep. "It's more like I say 'fight' but it was really just me. I started it, I was the one screaming, it's all my fault."

Brian rubbed his hand as soothingly as he could, it seemed like he didn't really need Brian so much as an ear to listen and maybe a shoulder to cry on. That's not exactly what Brian imagine Freddie would need his body for in his clothing stall. "Can you- I mean if it's not Roger's doing, maybe an apology?" He tried very carefully not to make it sound like it was all Freddie's fault even if he said it was. 

"I-" Freddie bit back the words, his face looking ashen. Dear Lord what had Freddie say? Freddie shook his head, burying his face in his hands. He couldn't believe he'd said that to Roger, he was nearly going to starting crying again just thinking about it. He liked to think he didn't even know where it came from. But he knew. That resentment, that Roger didn't even desire, just mad at the whole unfair fucking world, and he'd lashed out at Roger. "I will apologize to him," Freddie finally said softly looking down at his hands.

Brian didn't say anything, just being a soothing calming presence, the anchor in Freddie's life. He doesn't know what he'd do without him. But maybe... even if Freddie was wrong to take it out on Roger, and he was wrong, he is right to be angry. "I just- I keep having this nightmare..." Freddie didn't even know if he wanted to tell Brian. If he refused to tell Brian, the other man would drop it and give him as much space as he needed, but he'd look at him with those sad beautiful eyes of his. Brian truly wore sadness like the most gorgeous of coats, somehow making him even softer, more caring and thoughtful, even as Freddie wished Brian had less chance to feel it so strongly.

Maybe Freddie could just tell Brian enough for it to be true without it being all of the truth. "Some days... I wake up in a cold sweat. Afraid. Afraid that... I'll be alone." Afraid *because* I am alone. "That's why I like going out to look for someone. Even if they love me just for that one-night, to have them, to hold them..." At least his confession is true but he must seem so silly leaving the rest out. He's young still, few people their age are married, let alone for love. He must seem so foolish. 

"We- Roger and I, were listening to everlasting Love." Freddie could remember all to clearly, that song had been playing seemingly nonstop since it came out. All the lyrics like a blade scraping against his skin as he remembered them, 'real love will last forever,' 'need you by my side, girl you'll be my bride.' But Freddie couldn't have that now could he? And he was mad against, spitting, fuming, raging, mad because Brian couldn't get it either. 

It wasn't fair, he couldn't take it anymore about to shove Brian right off that stupid chair just to get away from his bloody mothering. Instead he leapt from his seat, pacing the tiny closet sized space. Other people got forever lasting love, got brides, but him? He was just a fag, and fags didn't marry, because their love wasn't real. Even if they stayed together, even if Roger was his best friend all of their lives or if he joined Smile, Freddie could never have what they'd have. Wives, families. He could never have that, never be happy. And that's what he'd told Roger. 

Spit right into his best friend's face. And here he was doing it all over again. Maybe he didn't deserve love and that's why God had cursed him so. Brian was right, apologies were warranted. "I-I'm sorry Brian," he rubbed at his face. Fuck, Brian didn't come here to see what an absolute disaster he was. Actually why did Brian come here? "I'm sure you didn't come here for this, what can I help you with Brian?"

Brian shook his head, "Never mind that. Freddie you can find love, you-" Freddie tried to make it clear from his expression, he couldn't talk of this, clearly it was just as raw as it was last night and he didn't want to hurt anymore of his friends if he could help it. "Oh, oh okay," Brian seemed to understand, "I actually -uh- came to take you up on that offer. That'd you'd help me find better stage costumes to wear." 

Freddie eyes lit up like Brian had hoped when he'd first set out. It didn't matter if what Freddie choose would be ridiculous it would be all worth it just to see him happy. But he was sure with Freddie's good taste, Brian would end up looking glam, no need for it to be forced onto him. 

The singer picked out everything that might do, something eye catching and striking, that would light up under the stage lights, but would also fit Brian's tall lanky body. He was going to find Brian the most show stopping outfit, he'd make himself indispensable and then they'd have to have him in the band. Freddie didn't want any guitarist but Brian. The curly-haired man was so talented, not just as a player but also a songwriter. 

'It didn't hurt that he was such a good friend either', Freddie thought. *Friend.* He told himself. Sure. It wasn't like aside from being compassionate and considerate he was beautiful, and now Freddie would get to dress him up- Fuck, but he couldn't ruin this. Brian had never shown interest in men, and Freddie didn't want to fuck up their friendship. But it was fine, having him as a friend was already such a treat. Somehow this would all work out, even if Freddie was alone he'd still have Brian.

**Author's Note:**

> i wish tragically that internalized homophobia wasn't based on my own internalized... is queerphobia a word? anyways, freddie found jim in the end so i believe i too can know happiness. but these are early days still
> 
> prompts: 
> 
> while freddie’s running his clothing stall in kensington, brian decides to drop by to see if freddie can help him find some good stage outfits, since freddie’s always criticising the ones he wears for smile’s gigs.
> 
> somebody to love


End file.
